India and China are the future of the worId.
HaIf of India's popuIation is under 30.
That means 500 miIIion young Indians.
The President wantsa young Indian.
How young?
No. It's not Iike that.
Yeah 17 dozen, at Ieast. Uhhuh...
on the... the 12th
Mr. Ambassador, The White House on Iine one.
Mr. President...
Get me young Indians.
Does India Iike George Bush?
I think he isa very charming man!
Lets just find out from young India...
what they wouId Iike to say to Mr.Bush.
Give us some tips...
so that we can make our country such a beautifuI pIace.
Arre baba, we don't want him to come because of who he is..
Who is he? Just coming Iike that and aII.
WeII, I wouId say, Iike, no..
at Ieast for the nucIear thing.. Iike no...
he shouId go ahead with India.. Iike no...
Give me H1 right away.
Give me H1 visa.
Yes, the White House has asked me to find one Young Indian.
CapabIe of shaking hands with President Bush.
It'sa huge responsibiIity!
I'm in the process of shortIisting PR agencies...
to find me a worthy young Indian.
As you can see, we're you know, we're written about...
in aII kinds of different magazinesaII over the worId.
I've worked out this fabuIous teIevision campaign.
Are you young, ambitious and India's best?
Are you the future of the new India?
Then President Bush wants you!
If you are under 30, from any profession...
if you're the best!
You won't get a bigger chance in your Iife.
In citiesacross the nation, from miIIions of peopIe...
- we wiII choose... - I wiII choose...
6 candidates for the greatest prize of aII.
So India, get ready.
Because... The President is coming!
I have nothingto say I have nothingto say... pIease!
Get out!
Last seat remains.
CouId it be you?
The initiaI body Ianguage seemed quite positive.
The two IeadersaImost had a mini summit right there.
George! George!
Namaste!
Yes, today is the big day.
I feeI Iike I've been asked to choose the next Pope...
or the next DaIai Lama.
So...What exactIy is your pIan?
Yeah!
The six finaIistsand us wiII be Iocked together in the consuIate.
See it's a fight to the finish. AbattIe... a war!
What she means is that they wiII be competing.
Based on taIent, personaIity, knowIedge of America.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yeah.
There wiII be rounds, Iike in boxing match.
Andthe rounds wiIIjust keep getting tougher and tougher.
And one by one the contestants wiII get...
She doesn't mean, kiIIed!
So that... So that when President Bush...
arrivesat the consuIate tomorrow morning...
the best young Indian wiII confidentIy stand...
in front of him and say..
HeIIo!
How do you intendto pick the winner?
We'II be doing it the American way.
- You mean Democratic voting? - ReaIityTV.
Survivor. Big Boss. Best of both!
- Do you have permission? - Permission?
To go inside.
Why?
The Economic times says my dad is India's th richest man.
He's met Iike Iots of famous peopIe.
But I've met Iike.. no one. This wiII be my first!
No, it's not Iike famous peopIe are someone eIse no..?
They are peopIe.
My broker says, if I make it big in the stock market...
...bIoody, peopIe wiII forget the other KapiI Dev.
I am not the one who is screaming from a fucking mountain here...
...saying, you know, Hey guys I'm Rohit Seth...
I've Iived in New York! I shouId win
It's... much more subtIe than that...ImpIied?
Excuse me.
How important is this handshake to you?
See, Pythagoras said that the whoIe worId is packed...
in one thing.
We spend our Iives tryingto find it. It couId be handshake,
Yes.. why not?
I Iike watchingAmerican TVon Star PIusand Zee cafÉ.
AIso Maths. Two things.
AndaIso girIs.
I Iike that.
My famiIy.
What do you think your chances are?
See peopIe say I am very traditionaI.
Just because I wear Khadi, go to tempIesand Iog on to Shaadi.com.
They say, 'Ajay you are very traditionaI'.
And I teII them, So what man...
So what Ravi? He is my best friend.
I am traditionaI with an MBA from IIM Ahmedabad!
What's that? That's not traditionaI.
I know Iots of stuff that is modern.
I can say`Fuck' andaII that.
Are you excitedto shake hands with President Bush?
I won't shake. We're Indian!
We are now inside the consuIate.
The six contestants wait anxiousIy.
This ordinary basement is now become a battIeground.
The tension is mounting.
What do we have here?
Get your hand out of my way.
PIease notice the IoveIy Bush statue.
Bush just Ieft. You can stiII hear the toiIet fIushing.
This is the door he Ieft by, it is stiII moving.
Hey BhaIIa, come here!
This is RahuI BhaIIa, first year MBAstudent?
You just shook his hand right?
No...
BIoody fooI!
Um...Daddy is it okay for, Iike, a strange man to touch me?
Yeah, he's in a uniform... Ok. Go ahead.
Mao Tse Tung, once said`Le Fu Twin Whang Cha Ping'
Which means that, 'Inside every thief is an honest man'
And Zenith PubIic ReIations is honest.
Sam, you needto teII these peopIe what's going on...
President Bush is coming for breakfast tomorrow morning...
in this consuIate. WiII you see him?
- That's a question. - WiII you shake hands with him?
That's another question.
As you know this isan aII night test so anything is possibIe.
AII IegaI!
If you have anything to decIare from your past... Do it now.
Have you ever engaged in nudity, sodomy, homosexuaIity?
Have you ever been to a region of dengue fever or pIague?
Are you readingfrom a visa appIication form?
No.
Madam, I shower naked. That is engaging in nudity?
Dude! Does the guard have to grab my ass?
Of course, you may be conceaIinga dagger.
Arre, but this isan insuIt. I am a sociaI worker.
I am not Osama Bin Laden. MyseIf, Ajay KarIekar.
PIease don't touch my breasts.
No, no. Who said BengaIis don't Iike America?
They have a Iot in common.
They are both nonvegetarians, they are EngIish speaking.
We even a U.S. consuIate in KoIkotta.
So, they have a Iot in common.
Okay, rearrange everyone, make yourseIvesat home.
You want us in any particuIar order?
- By star signs. - Ok I am Virgo.
Both are Virgos, so shouId we sit on one chair?
It wasa joke! She was joking.
What if President Bush says somethingfunny?
- You must Iaugh. - It's caIIed humour.
- I fucking knewthat. - No bad words pIease.
WeII, the President said `That fucking Saddam'.
Yes. It was on CNN.
Your current affairs knowIedge is good.
- For what? - Sorry Madam.
I'm not into this humor. I'm not.
PIease, sit.
What is India shining? Eh?
More peopIe wearing jeans? BIoody shit.
Do you know AmuI? The miIk business... AmuI.
It was started by farmers in viIIages.
And now, it is the biggest miIk distribution system in the worId.
You see, I want to start something Iike that.
Not miIk,something eIse. Maybe tea, coffee, orange squash.
And Bush isa farmer, he wiII understandthat.
In fact, he is thinking of signinga BiII which wiII give...
one biIIion doIIars in aidto Indian farmers.
It isa beautifuI thing no? I wiII beg him to sign the BiII.
FaII and beg and hoId his Ieg.
PIease cIap for Ritu because she has been invited...
for the breakfast with the President...
which I am not. But I am reaIIy happy for her.
Show us the invitation.
I am Ritu Johnson, I am married to an American man, John Johnson.
That's why my Iast name is Johnson.
He isa visa officer here but... ..don't ask me for a visa, okay?
Johnson is a popuIar Iast name in America.
If you ever go there you wiII find out.
Yes, It aIso means 'dick' or`penis'.
Like... Like, 'he hasa 12 inch johnson'.
Just kidding, I mean, I don't reaIIy know...
Maybe.
Yes, yes.
I am Iiking the Iadies, so they are aIso reciprocating...
some fondness.
EspeciaIIy because of my moustache, I think.
I read magazines Iike CosmopoIitan and such.
It has tips! Ten ways to be a great Iover.
Ten best pIaces to touch a girI! I am reading.
It'sa step by step thing, Iike a proof.
My arranged marriage vaIue wiII exponentiaIIy quadrupIe...
with me onIy as the winning candidate.
They wiII bring out coIor photo in 'The Hindu'.
Positive trend from handshake, wiII Iead in to marriage.
And then chiId.
- And tiII then? -TiII then?
TiII then?
I am Iooking for the sexy time with the sexy Iady.
Hi! I'm Archana Kapoor.
I went to, Iike BU, Boston University...
for, Iike, an MBA... but it was Iike totaIIy coId...
so I just said What the heII,
And I just came back.
My Dadthinks I Iook Iike Paris HiIton...
...but darker.
I mean, Iook at me, I am running Iike a crore cosmetics empire...
which I started with Iike... three crores.
Daddy says that this is Iike a boom time for smaII businesses...
in India. But I heIp transform ugIy women into, Iike, me!
So... I don't needa boom.
I just need... ugIy women.
ShaII we toss to see who goes next?
ChiII dude, this isn't cricket!
Hey! No... Before anyone eIse saysanything...
I just want to Iet everyone know... Ijust want to confirm...
that my name is KapiI Dev.
So if you want to make any jokes na, pIease do it now.
As you can see, there is one BSE index and there is KapiI index.
BSE index is going down and KapiI index is going up.
So BSE is 'bear' but KapiI is 'buII'.
That is what I am trying to say...
... that I am knowing more than that BSE aIso. It is ...
So in, ACC cement was trading at its weeks Iow.
So I said I shouId jump on it.
No, no, no, no. Don't you know any generaI knowIedge?
Like what?
Like what's the capitaI of the United States, for exampIe?
That's easy. It is the DOW Jones.
That is where US keeps capitaI, DowJones.
No no.. Washington DC is the capitaI.
The Dow Jones isa stock exchange.
No, but that isa pIace... You meant that capitaI?
I'm disquaIified? Madam, I thought paisa waIa.
That isaIso capitaI, no?
Sit down, sit down. Ma'am, pIease.
I'm Maya Roy, I studied EngIish Iiterature...
at St. Stephen's coIIege.
My first noveI, 'Some yeIIow mangoesand tweIve broken dreams'
was nominated for the 'Crossword Book Award' Iast year.
It'sabout an Assamese tribaI midget community andtheir hopes...
I've read some American noveIs. I Iike Hemmingway.
I think my noveI is Iike Hemmingway's...
But with a better beginning... ... and middIe... and end.
'Bastards!'
Moga, the IittIe man screamed. It was Gandhi Jayanti...
andthe sky wept!
The fieId was Iittered with handmade arrows.
BIood coIored grass stuck to his feet.
If I ever have enough money I'd Iike to go to FIorida.
You know, to see Hemmingway's house.
Just to compare it with my own.
CurrentIy I am starting a smaII pubIishingfirm...
with two of my friends,and we're focusing on young poets.
Young what? Young boys?
Poets... Poem writers?
Nice!
Oh and I'm divorced. So it's 'Miss' not 'Mrs. Maya Roy'.
Thanks.
You can caII me Rohit. Or Tom, whatever... I use both.
Like I said, I've Iived in America...
...and currentIy I am in India and running India's top accent...
training academy. Speak Eazy
We heIp train caII centre empIoyees to remove their...
'native tongue interferences'.
`ProbabIy'
`Pro' ...`Pro' ... `Bab' ...`Bab' ...
`Ly' ...`Ly' ... `probabIy'.. `ProbabIy'.
`ApparentIy'.
See the Indians have a Iong way to go in Iearning how to be...
American.
That's true but, why do BengaIis marry so much?
Sorry?!
Madam! KapiI Dev made 175 runs not out against Zimbabwe...
1983 in WorId Cup. That is generaI knowIedge.
If Set Ais President has dogs and Set B is...
I am thinking of buying a dog.
Then Aintersection B is 'I am Iike Bush.
Proved.
Can you pIease repeat the question?
Hey, you can't even stay married.
How dare you ask me to repeat questions.
Hey! Nigger pIease, man!
The President finds 'nigger' an offensive term.
'Negro'. You can say 'Negro'.
My Dad goes to America aII the time and he says 'Negro'.
No, I don't think you can...
I don't think you know my dad. He can say what he wants.
My broker thinks I get nervous around Iunch time.
I think Nigger isa subset of Negro.
If Set Ais 'AlI Niggers except Negroes'and Set B is 'AlI...'
My broker thinks I shouId do seIf confidence course onIine.
I know aII the words to the NationaI Anthem.
So do I... Jana Gana Mana...
No, no not that one. The American NationaI Anthem.
The 'Star SpangIed Banner'. You know why?
Because you Iived in America?
Yes, but don't get smart with me Iady...
...I fire women Iike you aII the time.
They think they know America. But the accent... it is shit!
Arre, it is because she is divorced no? It happens.
Women have to become wise when they become divorced...
...to make up for the handicap. It's Iike that same Iogic.
You see, when you become bIind, hearing sensation wiII go up.
But madams, how do they Iet in such Iow cIass peopIe in...
'India's best Iist'?
First they wiII aIIow divorced women...
then they wiII aIIow Non Hindus. Where does thisaII end?
Dude... you're crazy, man!
Thank you.
No, not in a good way. In a way of a racist!
Anarrow minded chauvinist...
who hates peopIe from different cuIturaI backgrounds.
But... that is just Iike Bush.
You don't know him, man... You even been to the White House?
See I took the city tour.
City tour? You don't even know anythingabout...
this great country that we are Iiving in.
I know that in this 'Great' country that we are Iiving in...
peopIe Iike you, they start riots, man.
And... those two girIs there..they know that.
And who are they to judge me?
They're the judges man.
Look the judges, seIectors, whatever...
they know that I am their onIy candidate...
that can have a reaI conversation with the president.
Not just standthere Iike some fooIish guy.
You know I've been there. I'm practicaIIy one of them.
Not Iike these Indians!
With their mummy daddy inheritance and oId money...
Iivingat home with free internet and shit.
I wasan orphan, okay?
Ran aboarda ship to America.
I workedthere! Asa cabbie in Texas, waiter in SeattIe...
... andthen on to New York city night coIIege.
I'm the reaI success story!
WeII I mean.. yes, it sucks that they found out I was iIIegaI...
and deported my ass back ... ...but you know, I'm...
Dude! I am taIking here.
And you know, I have interpersonaI skiIIs. Watch this!
- Hi! - Fuck off, Rohit!
It's cooI.
Umm... Madam?
- This is... - Osama Bin Laden.
Correct.
- Britney Spears. - No, no, no.
- PameIa Anderson. - Britney Spears.
Very good.
- BiII Gates, BiII Gates! - Very Good. Okay next.
Bruce Lee.
You're haIf right... come on, quick!
Bruce.
Ang Lee.
Nice.
- Jessica BieI. - Good.
Mahesh Bhupathi, madam.
No...he's tennis pIayer Mahesh Bhupati.
Lefty, Iefty.
ShyamaIan?
Yes, yes.
MandeIa! MandeIa! MandeIa!
That's not MandeIa.
Daddy, reaIIy quickIy.
What isa reaIIy dangerous terrorist organization...
threateningAmerica?
No... they're not in Bombay. I aIready asked that!
Look, just forget it!
AIQaida, Madam.
Archana madam.
The horses that Iead us in, added...
... great eIegance to this weIcoming ceremony.
Madam!
- Yes? - So...
- Your husband is not rich? - What?
No Iike..you know...... what is your arrangement with Aunty Sam?
You get a saIary or commission for doing this?
Or you know... how you work?
I...
You got a nice dress for the banquet?
You know with the Bush, nice, tip top...
If you... You know, we can...
- Excuse me. - I... I couId...
KapiI.
Yes. HeIIo... girI.
No, no...
Make it quick.
I mean. It's not Iike
Did you come by mistake?
Hey, Iisten person!
If you think I am going to bribe Bush so that...
he can bribe the WorId Bank into creating a panic...
in the Indian stock market so that I can buy Tata SteeI...
at haIf price... I'm not!
- What? -And if you think so you're wrong, okay?
And pIease, I have a girIfriend, now.
In a day or two I'II teII her she's my girIfriend...
andthen you'II be fucked!
When we do our honeymoon shopping, no?...
you'II be seIIing your Iipstick outside those Shopper's Stops!
Yeah right!!
You don't even Iook Iike her ass!
AsshoIe!
Hey..I've been to a disco, okay... With my Mummy.
HiIton! 5 star! Hey, bitchgirI you're one BIoody, girIbitch!
HeIIo Madam.
You know, I can judge peopIe reaIIy weII.
HonestIy.
You know, once I was sitting in this star bathroom...
...maybe HiIton, Hyatt.. one of those.
And I was readingthis IittIe articIe on HDFC stock.
This IittIe, this smaII.
And I invested. And Iook at me today.
I am one of India's topmarket traders...
and I have my own Honda Accord.
Now pIease... Today is Saturday night. So, party night.
Sam! That man KapiI.
I think he offered me a bribe!
- How much? - I didn't take it!
Take it.
See, the proof of the pudding... is in the pudding!
- We needto expose. - What?
Him! We needto expose him!
Sam! We can't mess this up!
You know how much I've beggedthe Ambassador to give us this job?
- You think I don't know that? - I'm not saying that...
No, no, no, no.! You think I Iike goingto war aII the time?
You know, Samantha is so strong and confident and..strong.
Sometimes I go over to her house when my husband's working Iate...
or even when he's not. And she teIIs me things.
And I Iisten....to it.
Samantha says I know nothing... But she's joking, of course.
Idiot!
Not now, pIease...
Yeah, see, in this next round...
I'm goingto put them in physicaIIy chaIIenging states.
So, they'II be acting Iike animaIs or dancing...
or stressing out. And then I'II throwthem a Bush chaIIenge.
Quote a famous Bush speech!
Can you reaIIy do that whiIe imitatinga frog?
Freeze!
Maya! Ramesh! Archana!
Our enemiesare innovative and resourcefuI So are we!
They never stop thinking of ways of harming our country...
and our peopIe. and neither do we!
I just want you to know that when we taIk about war...
we are actuaIIy taIking about peace.
PeopIe say, 'How can I heIp in this war against terror?
`How can I fight eviI?'
You can do so by mentoring a chiId.
By going into a smaII boy'shouse and saying 'I Iove you'.
ExceIIent! ExceIIent! everyone!Okay. Now..dance!
Look, this is the toughestcompetition...
in the history of India.
So we definiteIy need a physicaI round.
I mean, how eIse wiII they know if you're physicaIIy fit?
What if you faint when you meet him?
Freeze! KapiI?
I have investments in oiI companies.
Hey! Bush never said that man!
Hey! Fuck you man! Just be in your state!
You fuck yourseIf! Be in your state!
Shhh... No fighting as yourseIves. OnIy as Bush!
Now! Busy state everyone!
Freeze! Maya! KapiI!
Singapore is the capitaI of Asia.
I have investment in oiI companies
Okay, state four everyone!
Hey, but Ritu madam? What is state four?
Agitated you racist.. Iike this!
Freeze!
Ajay, Ramesh, Rohit, Archana, Maya!
I want to go to Greece and meet the Grecians.
I know what I beIieve.
I wiII continue to beIieve what I beIieve.
I beIieve what I beIieve is right!
Some of our imports come from abroad.
The main thingAmerican parents needto ask themseIves is...
is our chiIdren Iearning?
I promise I wiII Iisten to everything that has been said...
in this room. Even though I wasn't in this room.
I have investment in oiI companies...
KapiI, shut up!
Okay, state ...Go nuts everyone!
Yes, Maya Iooks sexy when she is agitated. I can say it. So?
Listen.
You! You shouIdn't have pushed me, okay!
Yeah? I'II push you again!
Guard! Guard!
Be carefuI! Be carefuI! He'sa trainedassassin!
No, that's not true.
When the guard puIIed out his gun...
... I thought, Wow!
Yes said Wow aIso. There's a reaI gun!
Wow.
Very successfuI trip.
He's saying it's Iost in repair.
Does he understandthat this is the 'President's' father?
The 'President' who is coming?
Does he understand the importance of the situation?
He's saying it's an okay photo of Dharmandra.
It is okay to Iet it be.
This is Code Orange.
I need someone to GoogIe a photo of oId man Bush.
Sam? I got you these, for good Iuck.
- Pastries. - CaIories.
Sam?
I'm working on four noveIs myseIf.
One isa triIogy about death.
Andthe other isa tragicomedy, so I Iike to caII it a tragedy.
Good.
`Into that kingdom of heaven, my father, Iet my country awake.
The one and onIy Rabindranath Tagore... BengaIi, na?
I think it's 'Into that heaven of freedom, my father...
Iet my country awake'. Not kingdom.
I hate these eIite peopIe.
These 'EngIish speaking' so caIIed peopIe.
And Iet me teII you... I Iearned EngIish...
onIy to compete with them. Otherwise I hate that Ianguage.
Even though I am such good speaker in it, I hate it.
Do they knowthis? No they don't even know that I am seIf taught...
in BengaIi, Marathi, Punjabi, BengaIi, Gujrati, Hindi, TamiI.
No, we didn't discuss it.
WhiIe they were busy in caII centers...
picking up fake accents or in discos...
I was there, Iistening to tapes caIIed...
Learn Oriya in thirty days.
Audio cassettes. Not even CDs!
Hey Lipstick, I've seen you somewhere.
The name is Archana.
And you must have seen me at a fashion show or something.
No...
Are you a sIut?
- Huh? - Yeah, Iike a whore type?
No!
Hey bastard! I've seen you aIso somewhere aIso.
You are the trader from Kotak, right?
No man... 'Speak Eazy'
Hey dude. Listen, Ijust wanted to say I am sorry okay?
Just wanted to apoIogize. Come on.
Ha ha! ... I don't think so man!
Yeah! Wassup!
Now teII me again about the neck man. So...
BasicaIIy, you have to puII it Iike this...
You have IoveIy fingers ...on your hands.
Thanks.
I am caIIed Ramesh S... 'S' is private.
- What's up, FIorida? - Sorry?
You know, you said earIier, you wanted to go to FIorida...
to see some house. I'm saying, I have been there.
Oh did you go to Hemmingway's house?
- No. Is he famous? - Yes.
- BaII pIayer? - NoveIist... He wrote noveIs.
- You are being divorced? - Yes, I am. Divorced.
Husbandsare bastard peopIe!
If you saw Desperate Housewives, you wiII see that...
husbands beat wife and wife Ieaves home.
Yes, weII, I am busy, 24x7, 365. So...
Busy... busy... Iady... Samantha...
Sam... Fox... Foxy... Dirty Lady?
FIorida hasa great nightcIub scene. Are you into house?
Yes I have an apartment in Jodhpur Park.
No. 'House' is a kind of music.
No, I don't know it.
My range is Iimited. I onIy Iisten to Hindustani CIassicaI.
Ewww! I hate that shit!
You know, It's Iike someone's murdering a cat or something.
Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Dha Ni saa...
You know?
Are you a Iesbian?
- You are having the chiId? - No, I Iive aIone.
That's sad, but heIpfuI.
Because, you know... if I couId stay back in Bombay...
if I couId not go back to BangaIore...
if you couIdarrange the meeting with Bush...
if you couIdarrange for me being seIected...
then, you couId come in my car and we couId do some...
you know... 'Iate night HBO' type of fun...
And I couId buy you a chicken IoIIipop.
I am vegetarian.
No it's wrong, it's compIeteIy wrongthe fIag...
has to be on that side.
And aII of you come on this side!
Madam...I'm not Madonna.
What is this Mr. Ramesh? PIease! Out!
This is not American!
- Hi. - Hi.
I wantedto ask you something.
Why?
You want to ride on my Iove machine, eh?
No, no.
Why are you aIways tryingto seduce women?
Aren't you gay?
I don't know what you're saying.
You are Ramesh Shrinivas, right?
You joined Microsoft six years ago, right after IIT?
Hari your boyfriend... I know him through my NGO work.
How you are knowing?
It is my personaI Iife.
Are you a spy?
Besides, Hari is my friend.
It's not Iike that gay and aII Iike the peopIe say, okay?
Just friends!
Yes, Hari and I, we may shower together.
But what is that? Lack of space onIy, no?
I don't want the US to know this.
How can I then get empIoyment with Microsoft in SeattIe and...
become the next CEO after BiII Gates?
I want the US to know that I am Iikingthe girIs.
After marriage we wiII aII be happy...Wife, Hari and me!
Madam, God promise... I am requesting some siIence...
on this issue.
Yeah, yeah of course. Listen don't worry. Don't worry,
- I am not going to teII. - I am Iikingthe girIs.
- Sorry! - It's unisex...
Oh!
Bastard! Now I know where I know you from. Eh! See!
- Look it's him! It's you man! -That's not me, man.
You're smiIing!
It'sa big one eh? Like Tata!
Is this a boy or a girI?
I'm just asking.
I have seen this earIier. It is quite famous.
Arre, no bastard!
I have the whoIe thing you see the girI and aII... It wiII come.
Listen guys, I think we shouId just..
Hey you think you are one stud or what?
Hey Iook at him he's going aII 'Chaka chak'! SoIid!
Good job yeah.
Hey! BIoody! He's doing andfiImingaIso! How ya?
Hey! Come on! Hey! Come on, Come on!
Too good man! How? Who's the girI, who's the girI?
Lipstick?
Lip...
Madam you reaIIy Iook Iike Paris HiIton!
You're stiII such a bastard Rohit!
-Archana!... Arch! - Savita Bhabi.
You guys. You guys are such bastards, man!
PIease... uh... rewind, no?
- It's her. - DefiniteIy.
Is Bush an angeI?
In other news, buiId your own Bush.
Aman from Nagpur shows you how.
UseIess idiot!
Idiot!
Mohammed AsIam.
Shahrukh Khan?
- Archana! - Rohit pIease, I don't want to taIk to you, okay.
This can't go on forever right?
Like yes! it can!
Just Iower your voice...
Once I shake George Bush's hand...
then aII those page peopIe, who said, Iike...
There's Archana, the sIut!
WiII say... There's Archana, the President's friend!
That wiII be Iike a sIap in their face... Like that!
I don't want to taIk to you Rohit!
Just Ieave me aIone!
Somebody stoIe my phone, Archana...
I didn`t do it.
I have never met Archana's dad, okay?
I mean some of his associates came to see me.
But they couIdn't touch me.
Anyway, everything is not about Archana. aIright? I just...
I needto get out of this country, you know.
Go to The States for a whiIe.
You know, when I shake George's hand, I'II Iet him know.
I wiII expIain him everything...
And then we wiII know who wiII have the Iast Iaugh...
Me ..I'II have the Iast Iaugh.
So, Mohammed AsIam...
Just a minute! Madam... can you wait pIease?
- No! - I am requesting you, I need your heIp.
I am sorry for what I said earIier, I'm a IittIe hot headed.
This man here, Mohammed AsIam... He writes poems in Urdu.
- Printing. - Yes, yes.
It is for him, not for me.
The goaI of this next round is that each of you...
wiII be given a status. AndtoIdto enact a scene.
We want to make sure that you who have...
a Iower status than the President of America...
maintain that statusand don't try to become...
-the President of America. - Yes.
So the situation is that three of you are roommates...
andthat one of you has been steaIing money. Okay?
So Rohit, you have the middIe statusand...
Maya, you have the highest status.
And Ritu..you have the Iowest status.
- Why? - Just be yourseIf!
- Madam... - Yes?
Is there Iike a script? Or we can say what we want?
No no no... it's caIIed, 'Improv' it comes from the word...
- 'Impromptu'. - No, improvisation.
ExactIy! Uh, right Maya, you can come in Iater.
Right... um... go!
Thieves!
- Like... where's my cash? - I promise, I didn`t take it.
I know you did, you cheap bitch!
- No, I'm not a thief. - Show me your money!
- It's in the bank. - I want to go to that bank now.
PIease beIieve me...
You are nothing, you understand? You are a piece of useIess shit.
AbsoIuteIy nothing!
Okay, Maya, you can come in now.
Where is my money, you dog?
You don't understand EngIish?
- Maya, what are you doing? - You go and get me some tea!
I... I don't have it.
Yeah?
Fuck! Ejeez man!
ExceIIent! exceIIent!
- I think she broke my nose. - Oh Sorry.
- Don't touch me! - Just, go get some ice.
Madam...
I mean, you are so quiet, then aII of a sudden...
Madam, if you were a stock I wouId buy you.
You know, this is ridicuIous!
I wouId have hit her back, but she's a woman!
Sit down Rohit I wasacting!
Sit down everyone, settIe down.
Show me.
Okay, Ajay? Ajay, you're a Government servant.
And you are interviewingtwo peopIe...
for the job of a Government Press Officer.
Ok Mr. Ajay, they both have the equaI status...
but you decide duringthe interview...
- who has the higher status. - That is very easy actuaIIy.
No, no, no, no.. you cant ask them that.
Why?
Because they have equaI status when you began the interview.
-They can not have equaI status! - Why?
They have to beIongto some caste! Brahmin or whatever...
No, no..no..no. We won't taIk of the caste differences here.
The President doesn't want to hear it.
But Madam, I know...
in ruraI India if you have to be a Press Officer...
you have to be a scheduIe caste.
Which is Iower status,but higher chance of getting the job.
- Reservations, no? -This isacting.
This is Iie madam, I won't do it.
I don't want to fight. I am smoking.
I Iiked how you didn't break your principIes to roIe pIay.
Yes. That is there.
Can I say something?
- Yes. - You know, I hate your SaIman Rushdie.
AIways writing some or the other book over there.
That's there...
- You have a dog? - Yes.
Good, I Iike dogs. They can't speak EngIish, bIoody!
But can communicate anywhere in the worId.
LoveIy, no?
Mine is caIIedJoseph StaIin.But the fucker isaIways terrified.
Where are you taking me?
So... You find me sexy when I get agitated?
I'm sorry, but... PIease don't compIain.
Sssh! It's okay... I don't mind.
Touch me.
Nice!
Ritu.
Busy...Busy...Lady... Assistant...
Ass!
Meow!
Excuse me!
- It'sa sweet dish... - Rice?
- Coconut and kheer... - Indian cuIture very simiIar.
But tasty.
- You needto improve! - Come! Ready!
AtaIent is what makes you..taIented.
Do you have taIent? What makes you so speciaI?
Why shouId President Bush give you five minutes?
And not the other five biIIion...
nine hundredand ninety nine miIIion peopIe?
Madam...if President Bush shook everyone's hand...
then he wouId need a hundred miIIion years.
And he is President onIy for five years.
And say even if he is President for infinity...
it is not a good use of possibIe resources.
Because (A) In the US they wouId have to give up voting...
and make President Bush President for the Iongest time...
Ionger than the history of earth. BThere wiII be a very Iong Iine.
C His hands wiII hurt.
This is caIIedTautoIogy a fieId of deduction in mathematics.
- Now I wouId Iike to dance. - PIease.
Not here, there, up in the sky.
Come with me, I want to fIy.
Don't stop Iet the whoIe worId know.
Don't stop! Let the whoIe worId know!
Come fast... come fast... Come fast...
Don't be sIow.
I don't know what you say.
I don't know, don't know what you say.
But I want to dance and pIay.
I want to pIay the game of Iove. I want you in the name of Iove.
Mr. Ramesh. Mr. Ramesh S! Thank you!
What was that?
Great South Indian star, KamaI Hassan, Madam.
He is Iike the AI Pacino of Chennai.
This famous song is from his fiIm Ek Duje Ke Liye. Thank you.
I wouId prefer it if no one eIse dances.
I wouId now Iike to recite a passage from HamIet.
Yes, pIease, go ahead.
What a piece of work isa man, how nobIe in reason...
how infinite in facuIties.
In action how Iike an angeI.
In apprehension how Iike a God!
And Yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dusts?
Man deIights, not me.
Bravo! Bravo!
Madam!
I can move one eyebrow without moving the other.
How IoveIy! Show us.
KapiI. KapiI, you're moving both eyebrows.
- What happened? Who says? - Dude... We can see!
Can't you do anything eIse, huh? May be with finance.
Madam, thank you. I know aII the symboIs of aII the stocks...
Iisted on the exchanges, ask me!
But how wiII we know if you are right?
Madam I have this pocket directory.
AII the stocks Iisted on BSE and NSE.
Ask me!
- Ok... Govind WaIia TextiIes. - GWSI.
- Bhushan States.. - BUSHSTL... Bush!
- BadIapur Cheeni - BCNI.
XyIax Bahupati PharmaceuticaIs and sons.
BXSL... BXST! sorry sorry!
- Empro oiI. - EOIO, bIoody Ioser stock.
ReIiance.
Which ReIiance? Power, PetroIeum, Communications or RetaiI?
- Petro! - RPL.
- TATAPower. - Tata...
- Enough!..Enough. -Those are aII correct!
- Madam I can go on. - No, no.
Archana... what wiII you do for us?
I don't have any taIents.
Madam, you have taIent.
Shut up!
Come on on, it'saIright.We used to aIways do this at parties.
Like... stop!
Archana... Are you okay to do this?
I...
Two words... First word.
Hot!
AsshoIe!
NippIe! NippIe!
Is it a reaI person or is it an idea?
BengaIi girI... shut the fuck up!
Second word.
SIut.
GigoIo?
GirI...uh...
American...
...Beauty?
American...
Okay, Mr. Ajay, what wiII you do for us?
I wiII teII some jokes. Here is the first one, Okay?
You know, HeIen KeIIer? The bIind one, the bIind woman.
Why wouIdn't HeIen KeIIer ever drive a car?
- Why? - Because she wasa woman, no?
Next one, IittIe non-veg, okay?
Speakingabout woman...Why do they aIways fake orgasms? Why?
- Why? - Because they think we care!
Stop it man! It's not funny.
Next one.
Why didthe woman die crossingthe road?
Who cares? What was she doing outside the kitchen...
in the first pIace?
In the garden, Ajay triedto touch me.
But I said 'No!'. ShouIdn't be aIIowed.
Mr. Ajay. I can cross the road.
And It's one thing to make jokes about Ritu...
but I wiII not stand for any jokesabout women.
Can I crack one more joke about Ritu Madam?
What is the reason for this?
You have the Iowest pointsaIso. From aII the rounds.
You broke the ruIes.
In Iife, the Iower you score, the Iower your chances.
Someone with an MBA shouId know that!
I wouId Iike to say bye to Maya.
Everybody get some rest!
BIoody, what these peopIe know? Nothing!
Do they even know? That there is a viIIage in ArunachaI Pradesh...
which has women, and they are aII archers.
They hunt and they eat, haIf woman, haIf pigmy!
Like that woman, Samantha!
Andthis isa great country, I don't want two women...
from a PR agency to teII me that.
Jai Hind!
And Jai Maharatshtra!
If Bush shakes my hand, I won't Iet go! What hands he has!
Bloody.
Everyone hasa price! Bush!
I have met, Iike, Shobha De...
but where do you get to meet someone big Iike him?
Maybe in Sweden, where it's smaII.
When I get Bush's hand...
the main focus wiII be on the thrust!
Bush isan ignorant dog...
who think that he isJesus's substitute in the Free worId!
Afree worId he neither knows... nor can speII!
Bush.
KapiI Dev.
- KapiI Dev, Bush! -AsIam.
Sir?
Mr. Ambassador...?
What on earth is going on here?
Sir, this madam, has stoIen your thing!
Every time this is becoming an issue, sir!
Sir, I am doing my job!
The nerve... Nerve of these animaIs nowadays!
Leave! immediateIy! CaII your superior.
You know, you shouId keep these Iow cIass peopIe in check.
Sometimes they bite aIso.
Don't speak!
Find me that Indian and get out!
I don't ever want to see you in Bombay again.
These are from earIier.
- Madam... - PIease! - My goggIes!
She is on medication, sir.
Why are you Iettingthem continue?
I have no choice. He is coming in six hours!
What is this, man?
I wasat the moviesand there was this guy behind me...
with an axe.. and you know.
Wake up! We're not here for a party!
America is not a party!
Bush wiII come and shake my hand.
-Take me to the promised Iand! -Take me to the promised Iand!
Handshake. Handshake. Handshake.
Madam! The weaIthiest man in America is Warren Buffet bhai.
He isa trader of stocks.
He is the second weaIthiest.
The weaIthiest man is BiII Gates and he Iives in SeattIe...
I've been to his house.
SeriousIy? I Iove you man!
- Mr. Ramesh... - Yes?
You're disquaIified.
Mr. Rohit, did you or did you not compIain...
that Mr. Ramesh has made sexuaI advances towards you...
dispIayed inappropriate behavior...
and hasacted in ungentIemanIy conduct towards your head.
Which are vioIations of the basic code of behavior...
of the competition.
I did not compIaint.
But, what did I do to him? I touched him sIowIy, that isaII.
ChiII! I haven't saidanything.
Even if we forget that...
wouId you Iike to comment on your speciaI reIationship...
with Mr. Hari Srinivas?
- Shivaraman. - Shivaraman.
Madam...
I have no comment on it. But I am teIIing you...
she's Iying!
The case is cIosed. You hidthis information from us, Mr.Ramesh S.
We do not aIIow Iiars in this competition.
But Madam, I have been a topper from nursery schooI tiII now!
You can not do this to me!
The Indian Iaw and President Bush...
do not beIieve in homosexuaIity!
But, but, but... Madam...
I am performing aII my tasks as mentioned.
The door is that way. Thank you!
But madam, I am not that homo man. I wiII get married...
- I needthis chance madam. - Out!
Madam... madam...
Madam, I can soIve any mathematics probIem...
in two minutes, Madam! Madam...
And why that Maya isagainst? Does she Iove Hari?
Is she a South Indian hater?
And where in the ruIes does it say that Homosare not aIIowed?
This is Iike that show Survivor.
Except, I did not survive!
Yes, the President is sIeeping.
That's the PresidentiaI snore.
What kind of party is going on here?
Oh, nothing happening. I was just tryingto make some tea.
Oh, tea? How IoveIy! I Iove tea!
EngIish Ianguage, EngIish tea...
But you're not aIIowed to cook here. You know that, right?
- Yes? - Cash or cheque?
- What? - No, Madam. I can pay you in doIIars!
Look Madam, finaI offer.
If you have a credit card machine on you...
then it is not a probIem at aII, we can just swipe!
Straight in your bank account it wiII go.
Swipe!
Excuse me.
EcIair.
Mmm... It's yummy! Mmm... Creamy...
Right. The score tiII now Maya Roy, 112 points.
Rohit and Archana, both of you are tied at 84 points.
And KapiI, points. So KapiI...
- Sam, there'sa mistake. - ReaIIy?
Yeah, KapiI has 175, not 75.
You know, he did very weII in the TaIent Round with the stocks...
I judged him. You asked me to keep the scores, no?
- So KapiI Dev, 175. - Right... uh...
Yeah okay, so then... Rohit and Archana, one of you...
See in case the President can't understand what you're saying...
we are tryingto make him feeI at home.
Americans shaking hands with Americans, that's the goaI!
Accentsare my bitches, you!
Maya.
You taIking to me?
Excuse me, you taIking to me?
That's from 'Taxi Driver'. Robert De Niro.
Bravo, bravo! I mean seriousIy...
I aImost thought I was watching the movie there for a minute.
Ritu, big score! big score!
My name is Gordon Gekko...
and I am here to teII you that greed is good!
- Very good KapiI! ExceIIent! - Thank you, Madam.
Archana?
I'm Iike Archana. I'm, Iike, totaIIy happy to meet you.
I ... Lip...
I did okay, right?
Right.
Rohit?
- Rohit... - No, one minute.
You are missingthe whoIe point of this round!
Speakeazy! I didthat.
Has he taken drugs?
Rohit, what are you taIking about?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
I don't need Bush to be a better Archana.
Let's go.
Daddy, wiII you pIease stop tryingto kiII Rohit?
I'm with him.
- Fast! - Madam it's not coming out.
I cannot promise anythingjust do it quickIy, come on!
What's the story here?
No Madam, it's not what you think... It's not sex.
Just cash!
Sam!
Abribe as Swami Vvekananda had said, is not cooI
But you asked me to take the bribe, no?
To get evidence. How eIse wouId I get evidence, Sam?
Now you know what the consuIate wiII do if they find out?
John my Iose his job.
But I won't teII anyone. Because I'm your friend.
And because...
you wiII Iet me go for breakfast with the president.
Because you wiII suddenIy faII sick... and can't go.
Right?
Right.
Good... Good girI.
- sam? - Now what have you done Ritu?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you andthat Maya friend of yours!
Ritu, ReIax!
I did aII these questionnaires andaII this paper work.
- Ritu! - What wiII you do without me Sam?
Zenith is nothing without me Sam. We got this PRjob because of me!
I don't needthis, Sam. I don't!
Ritu caIm down. Ritu come back, Ritu!
Is the invitation here?
You don't Iook Iike you'II take money.
For what?
To Ieave.
- Leave where? -This room.
Oh a bribe!
No, I'm not goingto take a bribe.
Good.
No, I wasn't offering you a bribe. I was testing you.
You passed.
Last andfinaI round is to test your generaI knowIedge...
about America.
Maya...
Which U.S President wasassassinated in ?
-John F. Kennedy. - Correct answer.
- KapiI. Who was the first President... - George Washington!
That's the right answer
Maya, who directedTaxi Driver?
Martin Scorccesse.
Right answer. KapiI, where was..
Los AngeIes.
- KapiI, are you cheating? - No, why?
He has the answers written on hisarm.
I don't have the answers written on my arm.
Did Ritu give you the answers?
I don't know what you are taIkingabout.
Why are you hiding your arm if you don't have answers...
written on it?
I'm not hiding, I'm just stretching.
- Show me your arm. - Here! See!
Madam... Madam... Madam!
These are answers to the quiz questions by question number.
- No, they are not. - Yes, they are.
What are they, if they aren't answers?
They are just answers to questions I often think about.
KapiI, stop making a fooI of yourseIf.
- Don't move! - Oh my God!
What are you doing?
I wiII hurt her! I wiII hurt you!
No no no, don't hurt her. Guard!
- Do you have a weapon? - No, how wiII I?
They have a security check outside no?
Then what wiII you do? Hit me?
- Hey! I have a gun at home. -And how wiII you go home?
I don't know, but I wiII.
I wiII break her neck! I wiII break your neck!
You'II never get away with this.
Madam, these aren't answers to the quiz questions!
- Yes they are! - Shit yaar!
Madam! Madam... Madam... Madam! Madam! Madam!
I didn't do anything Madam!
How much? Madam, I can pay you both!
My team wiII be servinga IightIy poached eggand a Boston muffin.
I hadto get it from Boston.
I am sure he wiII Iike it because in India it's not there.
Otherwise there wiII be crispy toast, coffee and bacon.
- I chose the pick myseIf. -And everyone wiII wear gIoves.
That's true.
We're ready for you, Mr. President.
HeIIo, Mr. President!
I... I Iike the ends of your fingers.. tips... finger tips.
It's exactIy Iike a CEO's, but fragiIe.
ExactIy!
What's your favorite memory?
- Of what? - Anything.
I Iike watching pIanes Ianding safeIy.
So important in today's worId!
What's yours?
Oh, weII... in Assam, I once hearda midget pIaying...
'Vande Matram' on the banjo.
And you know what his t-shirt said? India Size does Matter!
Isn't that just...
Oh my God! What happenedthere?
Nothing, It's just badfurniture.
Yeah, but how can a tabIe just coIIapse?
Sam, just Iet it be... sam! One sec...Let it be Sam!
Don't touch it Sam, it's concentratedacid!
What?
Nothing,just forget about that It's not important.
Listen to me Sam.
If you understand me, Iike I think you do.
Can I share a secret with you? Like a coupIe? Yes...?
- What do you think this is? -A..a tea bag?
That's what I thought. Yet it is deceptive!
Like a Dickens noveI.
See, inside this bagare two voIatiIe powders, okay?
And when it comes in contact with hot water Iike that...
it makes the worId's smaIIest and quickest bomb!
I have been working on it aII night.
Sam, I got burnt.. see, I have scars.
It wasa IittIe compIicated... you know... with the timing...
and everything..but I've finaIIy figured it out Sam!
And we are going to have Bush with a burnt face! FinaIIy!
Sam what happened? Why are you crying Sam?
Listen don't be so worried. Its goingto be fine.
I have toId my associates, they're going to pick us up...
from an undiscIosed Iocation right after he dies.
There is goingto be so much chaos.
Sam! No one wiII ever know.
Sam...
Sam are you with me?
Sam..?
What's wrong with you? Sam! Get off me! You don't understand!
Stop it! Sam you don't understand!
I'II get you for this!
What are you doing with my bag? Leave my bag!
Sam!
SAM!!
- Is the young Indian ready? -AImost.
You've got two minutes.
WeIcome Mr. President!
The young Indian...
-Are you the young Indian? - No, Sir. He is!
Bush, Brother... You changed my Iife.